Vulnerability

Tonight I feel so vulnerable, confused and scared. Just for tonight. Just at this moment. At exactly 2:09 AM, I have all these mixed emotions and I have no idea why they suddenly flooded my mind. Okay. Fine. I have a little idea. But I don’t like this feeling. I just want everything to be good enough. Maybe not excellent but just fair enough. These are the random things that’s been bothering me:

I just watched Glee and I felt jealous about what Kurt and Blaine have. I want to have someone to hold hands when times are tough. I want someone to be by my side when I’m feeling scared and defenseless. And most of all I want to experience having to kiss another man and to feel how the warmth of love or lust really feels.

I just came from an unplanned coffee date with my friend. It was just the two of us. Although it was a little awkward, I managed to pull myself together. Our conversation mostly revolved around boys, dating and conquering our fears. It wasn’t a great night for me mainly for two reasons. One, I have to spend 130 bucks for an overpriced single white chocolate caramel coffee that my taste buds didn’t appreciate. Second, my friend was just preoccupied about his cancelled blind date and his blind date- to- be a few hours after our meet-up. I thought I can tell him something from the inner crevices of my soul but apparently he didn’t deliver. He kept on texting while I was starting to pour my hearts out about how my life sucks because I was too scared to live it. I didn’t continue and I guess he didn’t noticed it. I hope his date with TwinkBoy was a success. I really, really need to talk to someone about how troubled I am. I just want to let it out to someone who would have the time to listen and who has a fraction of a heart to care.

I always wished to be in a relationship but I am always terrified by the thought of dating. For me, it feels awkward. I don’t know what to say, what conversations to engage in. In short, I don’t know nothing about dating. I am scared that he won’t like me or that he’ll think I’m a total bore or worst he’ll stood me up because of how I look. I feel so insecure and it depresses me in ways I can’t even imagine. It sucks out all the courage in me to even at least try to mingle and meet new people.

A few hours ago, my mom called me go downstairs and take her BP because she wasn’t feeling very well. She had an acute epigastric pain. As a nurse, I seriously don’t know what to do next after taking her blood pressure. How dumb can someone get? I checked her lungs and heart and for me, it was normal. Clear breath sounds, cardiac rhythm within range and no other neurological symptoms. I doubted myself. I felt ridiculously stupid.

I masturbated again. And I always feel guilty afterwards. There are always consequences when I fondle myself to climax. Whether it be an unexpected wrong turn of events or just a lousy day at work. Mostly the later happens.

I am dreading tomorrow’s shift. This is my first time to be left alone to handle patients. I am a little bit excited that I get to have my way and independence in how I will manage my load but I feel scared that no one’s going to guide me or check if what I’m doing is correct. I’m praying that everything goes well tomorrow. I don’t care if I get so busy. All I care about is that my patients are safe during my care.

I feel Rachel Barry’s original song number Get It Right. I just want to get things right. I know I don’t try so much but I want to find the courage and the initiative to start acting on things that’ll make things right for me.

HOW TO BE HAPPY ONE DAY AT A TIME.

1. Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.

2. Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.

3. Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.

4. Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.

5. Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.

6. Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.

7. Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.

8. Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.

9. Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.

10. Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 12 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.

CHEERS TO HAPPINESS!

Superiority Complex.

Superiority Complex refers to an overly high opinion of oneself. In psychology, it refers to the unrealistic and exaggerated belief that one is better than others.

I am a little concerned about how i behaved in the hospital today. You see, I am a nurse trainee in one of the tertiary hospitals here in the Philippines. It’s a 3 month training consisting of 480 hours of clinical training and experience. I am assigned in the most toxic ward in the hospital, the Medical Ward. We have a census of around 65-80 patients per shift. 30% of the patients needs monitoring, 10% are in critical conditions and 5% needs an ambubag and other resuscitation materials at bedside. That is how toxic and stressful the ward is.

Going back to my inappropriate behavior. There are 6 trainees in the ward including me. We come from different schools in the metropolis. We have different attitudes towards nursing and have different clinical experiences as a student. The only similarity we have is that this is our first clinical experience as registered nurses. Here is the thing, 50% of us doesn’t like the course (i think) or maybe the training program. Some of of my co-trainees suddenly disappears, some just like to sit in the lounging area and some are just there– physically present but mentally absent. It’s just sad because as I mentioned earlier, the ward is very toxic and they just don’t care. And  I don’t like it when nurses refuse to care. I hate it when your co-workers are killing themselves managing the ward while some are just lying around as if everything is okay.

The problem with me is that I seem to think that these “co-trainees” don’t deserve my attention and time. I don’t talk to them a lot. If they try to reach out, I will always make it a point to end the conversation as soon as possible. I don’t even join them during lunch time. It’ss as if I have this superiority complex over them. What makes things worst, and take note, I’m really embarrassed by this, is that I tell my friends of how annoying and how stupid they can get. I know, it’s mean. I know that I don’t have any right to say bad things about their level of knowledge in the ward nor the ability of the school where they graduated to educate them but I can’t help it at times. But I know that what I’m doing is freakishly wrong. Just because they don’t think the way I think doesn’t mean that I’m correct and they’re wrong. Just because I’m a little more familiar with the ward doesn’t mean that I am competent and they are not. And just because I graduated at a state university doesn’t make their school education a little less than mine.

I am terribly sorry for the bad things I may have said about them today. I really feel bad. I will really try my best to communicate and mingle with my co-trainees starting today. If I see any flaws, I will try to ignore it or maybe help out on things. I will try not to be easily angered and I will try to be positive no matter what. And if things really get out of hand, I am hoping that I can manage to just let it be and not dwell much about it. No more superiority complex. No more mister-know-it-all. No more smart-aleck. No more bitch-from-next-door attitude. Help me God.

I hope that someone someday will think that i am worth the trouble.

Desiderata.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I’m bad at being gay! I think I’m allowed to be a little upset.

Potential Survey.

Dapat ba gwapo?
-it’s okay if not so gwapo basta madala rag mall. LOL

Smart?
-definitely. a must!

Preferred age?
-i would prefer any age basta not so old. for me, maturity matters more.

Preferred height?
-5’7 above.

How about sense of humor?
-is a necessity. LOL

How about piercings?
-no.

Accepts you for who you are?
-hala lain sad kaayu if dili cya mu-accept. gubot jud. LOL

Pink hair?
-no lang beh. very kiwaw if ever.

Mushy or no?
-any will do.

Thin or fat?
-i prefer him to be thin. but fat people are always welcome. *giggle*

Moreno or chinito or mestizo?
-moreno.

Long hair or short hair?
-short.

Plastic or metal?
-ha? i want a human being. LOL

Smells good?
-of course. i won’t be dating garbage.

Smoker?
-no no no!

Drinker?
-only on special occasions.

Boy-next-door type?
-yes but not necessarily.

Musically inclined?
-i would love that.

Plays piano?
-that would be cool. he can teach me how to play one.

Plays bass and/or acoustic guitar?
-guitar! way more better then piano.

Plays violin?
-nah! too gay to function. LOL

Sings very good?
-not a requirement. basta dili amang, payts ra!

Vain?
-NO.

With glasses?
-not a requirement. basta dili lang buta, sunggaban ra na nako.

With braces?
-that would be okay as long as it does not interfere with you know… *blush*

Shy type?
-kapal muks kay mas better. but shy type will do.

Rebel or good boy?
-good boy.

Active or passive?
-active.

Tight or bomb?
-WTF?

Singer or dancer?
-singer.

Suplado?
-no.

Hiphop?
-pwede ra jud if dili.

Earrings?
-no no no.

Torpe?
-no.

Mr. Count-My-Ex-Girlfriends-Until-You-Drop?
-nope.

Dimples?
-keber.

Bookworm?
-not necessarily.

Mr. Love Letter?
-DEFINITELY.

Makulit?
-yes. the type of guy who does sweet /stupid nothings just to get my attention. LOL

Flirt?
-no.

Poem writer?
-not a requirement.

Serious?
-yes.

Campus crush?
-i’d prefer a person with low profile. but if hatagan og campus crush kay why not? LOL.

Painter?
-okay lang.

Religious?
-YES.

Alaskador?
-no.

Computer games geek? Or internet freak?
-no.

Speaks 20 languages?
-that would be awesome!

Loyal o faithful?
-both?

Guilty or Innocent.

RULE S:

1. You can only say Guilty or Innocent.
2. You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!

Danced on a table in a bar?
-Innocent.

Ever told a lie?
-Guilty.

Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have back?
-Guilty.

Ever kissed someone of the same sex?
-Guilty.

Kissed a picture?
-Guilty.

Slept in until 5 PM?
-Guilty.

Fallen asleep at work/school?
-Guilty.

Held a snake?
-Innocent.

Been suspended from school?
-Innocent.

Worked at a fast food restaurant?
-Innocent.

Stolen from a store?
-Guilty.

Been fired from a job?
-Innocent.

Done something you regret?
-Guilty.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
-Guilty.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
-Innocent.

Kissed in the rain?
-Innocent.

Sat on a roof top?
-Guilty.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
-Innocent.

Shaved your head
-Guilty.

Slept naked?
-Guilty.

Had a boxing membership?
-Innocent.

Made your boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
-Guilty.

Been in a band?
-Guilty. LOL

Shot a gun?
-Innocent.

Donated Blood?
-Innocent.

Eaten alligator meat?
-Innocent.

Eaten cheesecake?
-Guilty.

Still love someone you shouldn’t?
-GUILTY.

Have/had a tattoo?
-Innocent.

Liked someone, but will never tell who?
-Guilty.

Been too honest?
-Guilty.

Ruined a surprise?
-Guilty.

Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you cant walk afterwards?
-Guilty.

Erased someone in your friends list?
-Guilty.

Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if your a guy) or man’s clothes (if your a girl)?
-Guilty.

Joined a pageant?
-Innocent.

Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said?
-Guilty.

Had communication w/ your ex?
-Guilty.

DATING Someone?
-Innocent.

Get totally drunk one night and you have an important exam tomorrow morning?
-Innocent.

A total stranger treat you by paying your jeepney fare?
-Innocent.

Get totally angry that you cried so hard?
-Guilty.

[04/19/10 8:17] WTF?

“I took this crash course so that I will have something to do this summer and hopefully by July, I will be taking my master’s degree in medical -surgical nursing in CNU.”

This is the exact statement i answered when asked why I was taking Professional Education.

WTF???

Something to do this summer? It’s the most stupid answer ever! My other classmates took the course to be able to broaden their employment opportunities, some to fulfill a requirement and others mostly wants to be a teacher. My answer sounded like crap compared to theirs.

[04/22/10 01:59] Demo

so, i just finished my teaching demo with a nursing school in gorordo avenue. i thought it went pretty well. again, i felt that i was needed, i was a necessity. i felt i was important and most of all it felt good that i was acting like an expert in the profession. sure, it started out to be rocky stupid. i mean, my fellow applicants had their teaching demo in a powerpoint presentation along with formal attires and shiny leather shoes. and then here comes a guy who just wore jeans, polo shirt paired with dirty old rubber shoes bringing along bond papers as his visual aids in the demo. yep, that guy was me. i thought to myself that this was going to be a complete disaster. i will be humiliating myself, AGAIN!

my plan never really turned out to be successful. i never did show the faculty how intelligent i was (because i really think i am, LOL). i was never even given the chance to at least finish my lecture demo. but nonetheless, i thought that it was destined to be that way. my demo turned out to be an oral revalida of almost anything related to nursing— from cardiology to pulmonology; from suctioning to plain teaching strategies. let me tell  you something. back then in college, i love revalidas. it was the time where in i cram a lot— this is something i don’t usually do because i can’t seem to put everything inside my head on a hurry. anyways, i love oral revalidas! i get a chance to show my clinical instructors how knowledgeable i am. from research to medical-surgical nursing, you name it, i can tell you something about it. it was the time were i felt both the pressure and pleasure of being a nursing student. the pressure is in studying like at least 3 books per subject in just 1 day but it is always a pleasure when you sit there and answer the teacher’s question with confidence paired with correct answers.

often times i use a lot of techniques in order to get around questions that i can’t explain very well or i can’t even answer. i have to do all these crap just to get ahead. hahaha. but mind you, it actually works! here are some of those craps:

1. “the non-poker face”

it is when your face looks like you know the answer. it is the face of confidence. just like in a battle, you don’t have to let your enemy know that you’re losing or you are struggling. just act as confident as you possibly can– no stuttering, no “uhms”, looking the opponent straight in the eye, spontaneity and of course you have to make your “answer” sound like “the answer!”

2. “the superiority complex”

before even trying this, you actually have to know the background of the teacher. this works best for teachers who you think is not very intelligent, LOL. scare him off with your superiority! frighten him with your confidence. be bold! be over confident! act like you are the expert! this actually works 45% of the time. not that big of a chance of working, but it is worth a shot.

3. “the power of intimidation”

this works especially if your teacher knows that you are intelligent. if you are known to be smart. i do this all the time. LOL

4. “the body language”

use as much as body language that you can possibly utilize. hand gestures, postures, positioning, etc. try hard to divert your teacher’s attention with your gestures and not with your stupid answers. you can even make inappropriate chikas about showbiz or the latest school gossip when the situation needs for it. LOL

5.”playing dumb”

if you can’t pull off any of the four above. then you can use this technique. this is especially useful for subjects you haven’t had enough time to review or for those subjects that doesn’t interest you. you can start by having a poker face or you can just do the puppy dog eyes crap. convince your teacher that you are really having a hard time studying this subject and request/ hope that he gives you the easiest question. not really a big fan of this.

FYI, i’ve done all five. and it actually works. I got a 1.12 average for my oral revalidas. but of course, it also pays to study and to pray to God for luck and guidance.

back to the teaching demo. i was standing there. in front of the whole faculty trying to explain the guidelines to follow when suctioning. then suddenly, i was bombarded with all these question not related to my demo. some i answered, some i used my strategies. hahahahaha. (i hope it worked). the result of the demo is yet to be announced. i’m crossing my fingers that the result would be great. if not, then i’m just going to get a life and  find another job.