Tonight I feel so vulnerable, confused and scared. Just for tonight. Just at this moment. At exactly 2:09 AM, I have all these mixed emotions and I have no idea why they suddenly flooded my mind. Okay. Fine. I have a little idea. But I don’t like this feeling. I just want everything to be good enough. Maybe not excellent but just fair enough. These are the random things that’s been bothering me:

I just watched Glee and I felt jealous about what Kurt and Blaine have. I want to have someone to hold hands when times are tough. I want someone to be by my side when I’m feeling scared and defenseless. And most of all I want to experience having to kiss another man and to feel how the warmth of love or lust really feels.

I just came from an unplanned coffee date with my friend. It was just the two of us. Although it was a little awkward, I managed to pull myself together. Our conversation mostly revolved around boys, dating and conquering our fears. It wasn’t a great night for me mainly for two reasons. One, I have to spend 130 bucks for an overpriced single white chocolate caramel coffee that my taste buds didn’t appreciate. Second, my friend was just preoccupied about his cancelled blind date and his blind date- to- be a few hours after our meet-up. I thought I can tell him something from the inner crevices of my soul but apparently he didn’t deliver. He kept on texting while I was starting to pour my hearts out about how my life sucks because I was too scared to live it. I didn’t continue and I guess he didn’t noticed it. I hope his date with TwinkBoy was a success. I really, really need to talk to someone about how troubled I am. I just want to let it out to someone who would have the time to listen and who has a fraction of a heart to care.

I always wished to be in a relationship but I am always terrified by the thought of dating. For me, it feels awkward. I don’t know what to say, what conversations to engage in. In short, I don’t know nothing about dating. I am scared that he won’t like me or that he’ll think I’m a total bore or worst he’ll stood me up because of how I look. I feel so insecure and it depresses me in ways I can’t even imagine. It sucks out all the courage in me to even at least try to mingle and meet new people.

A few hours ago, my mom called me go downstairs and take her BP because she wasn’t feeling very well. She had an acute epigastric pain. As a nurse, I seriously don’t know what to do next after taking her blood pressure. How dumb can someone get? I checked her lungs and heart and for me, it was normal. Clear breath sounds, cardiac rhythm within range and no other neurological symptoms. I doubted myself. I felt ridiculously stupid.

I masturbated again. And I always feel guilty afterwards. There are always consequences when I fondle myself to climax. Whether it be an unexpected wrong turn of events or just a lousy day at work. Mostly the later happens.

I am dreading tomorrow’s shift. This is my first time to be left alone to handle patients. I am a little bit excited that I get to have my way and independence in how I will manage my load but I feel scared that no one’s going to guide me or check if what I’m doing is correct. I’m praying that everything goes well tomorrow. I don’t care if I get so busy. All I care about is that my patients are safe during my care.

I feel Rachel Barry’s original song number Get It Right. I just want to get things right. I know I don’t try so much but I want to find the courage and the initiative to start acting on things that’ll make things right for me.

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